Attachment theory suggests that our early interactions with primary caregivers shape our view of the world and our reactions within it. At birth, a child presents their most authentic self, expressing needs without concern for context or timing. A newborn, for example, simply knows they need milk and believes they are worthy of having that need met, without considering the sleep deprivation of their parent. They perceive their needs as inseparable from their caregiver's response, developing a sense of security if these needs are met consistently.
While we need our children to learn they are separate autonomous humans, in attachment parenting, we want that learning to be held alongside information showing them that, even though they aren’t one with us, they aren’t alone in the world either. We want them to know that they still matter and belong and that while they are too small and vulnerable to do it themselves, they can be kept safe.
If our children’s needs are met with attunement and validation consistently over the course of childhood they learn that who they are in the world matters, that their perception of things are real and valid and that they are safe to explore and learn. They go on to develop a secure sense of self and have an easy time remaining connected to their authentic self and valuing their authentic needs throughout life. While this seems simple in principle it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it should for us to remain a thriving society. Unfortunately, many well-intentioned parents struggle to consistently meet their children’s needs, leading to feelings of isolation and insecurity in their children. When children feel their survival is at risk, their thinking and functioning become impaired.
If parents are unavailable, either physically or emotionally, infants adapt by altering their behaviors to elicit the necessary response from caregivers. If they learn when they cry they are ignored, they may learn to conserve their energy and fend for themselves. If their cries are met with an overwhelmed or angry caregiver they may learn not to cry or to present their needs differently so that it is more tolerable for their caregiver. If they learn a caregiver is passed out and unresponsive unless they get loud, they learn to escalate. Through this process of learning what behavior brings their caregivers close and which parts of themselves their caregiver rejects the person learns how to present themselves in the world. This adaptive process is healthy if caregivers respond appropriately. However, misattunements can lead to lasting impacts on how children understand and present themselves to the world.
The transition from theory to practice in attachment parenting is complex. It is not merely about breastfeeding or babywearing; it is about providing a secure base for children. Keeping children close aids in attunement but is not the entire point. Healthy attachment involves the separation process, which permissive parenting—often confused with attachment parenting—fails to support.
One of the hardest parts about working from an attachment perspective is recognizing the parents own attachment wounds and understanding how that influences our ability to remain a secure base for our children. Fostering healthy attachment requires us to see both our children and ourselves as separate capable beings. If we have unmet needs or unhealed parts, our children differentiating from us can bring up doubt, fear, anger, confusion, sadness and many other emotions and then our children pick up on our feelings and react accordingly and in that process they lose some connection with their own needs and perceptions, setting the stage for transgenerational patterns.
For attachment parenting to go well, the caregiver has to have an understanding of their own triggers, needs and patterns. They must be resourced enough to be able to meet their own needs so that they can remain a resourced adult for their children. They must be able to balance the need to be a stronger wiser guide for their children with the awareness that their children are autonomous beings worthy of respect and compassion and whose feelings and perspectives need to be validated without allowing that to consume the entire interaction or dictate all decisions. It is a delicate balance and in our fast pace high demand world slowing down and finding this balance takes intention.
#authenticity #parenting #attachmenttheory #attachmentparenting #securebase #COS #cptsd
While we need our children to learn they are separate autonomous humans, in attachment parenting, we want that learning to be held alongside information showing them that, even though they aren’t one with us, they aren’t alone in the world either. We want them to know that they still matter and belong and that while they are too small and vulnerable to do it themselves, they can be kept safe.
If our children’s needs are met with attunement and validation consistently over the course of childhood they learn that who they are in the world matters, that their perception of things are real and valid and that they are safe to explore and learn. They go on to develop a secure sense of self and have an easy time remaining connected to their authentic self and valuing their authentic needs throughout life. While this seems simple in principle it doesn’t happen nearly as often as it should for us to remain a thriving society. Unfortunately, many well-intentioned parents struggle to consistently meet their children’s needs, leading to feelings of isolation and insecurity in their children. When children feel their survival is at risk, their thinking and functioning become impaired.
If parents are unavailable, either physically or emotionally, infants adapt by altering their behaviors to elicit the necessary response from caregivers. If they learn when they cry they are ignored, they may learn to conserve their energy and fend for themselves. If their cries are met with an overwhelmed or angry caregiver they may learn not to cry or to present their needs differently so that it is more tolerable for their caregiver. If they learn a caregiver is passed out and unresponsive unless they get loud, they learn to escalate. Through this process of learning what behavior brings their caregivers close and which parts of themselves their caregiver rejects the person learns how to present themselves in the world. This adaptive process is healthy if caregivers respond appropriately. However, misattunements can lead to lasting impacts on how children understand and present themselves to the world.
The transition from theory to practice in attachment parenting is complex. It is not merely about breastfeeding or babywearing; it is about providing a secure base for children. Keeping children close aids in attunement but is not the entire point. Healthy attachment involves the separation process, which permissive parenting—often confused with attachment parenting—fails to support.
One of the hardest parts about working from an attachment perspective is recognizing the parents own attachment wounds and understanding how that influences our ability to remain a secure base for our children. Fostering healthy attachment requires us to see both our children and ourselves as separate capable beings. If we have unmet needs or unhealed parts, our children differentiating from us can bring up doubt, fear, anger, confusion, sadness and many other emotions and then our children pick up on our feelings and react accordingly and in that process they lose some connection with their own needs and perceptions, setting the stage for transgenerational patterns.
For attachment parenting to go well, the caregiver has to have an understanding of their own triggers, needs and patterns. They must be resourced enough to be able to meet their own needs so that they can remain a resourced adult for their children. They must be able to balance the need to be a stronger wiser guide for their children with the awareness that their children are autonomous beings worthy of respect and compassion and whose feelings and perspectives need to be validated without allowing that to consume the entire interaction or dictate all decisions. It is a delicate balance and in our fast pace high demand world slowing down and finding this balance takes intention.
#authenticity #parenting #attachmenttheory #attachmentparenting #securebase #COS #cptsd
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